I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Randomize
