I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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