she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
