im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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