Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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