3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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