go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
