My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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