Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We need to get me chipped asap
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
