i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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