please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize