That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
