it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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