I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
