I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
