I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
