She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
