Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
