just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
