BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
His nipple licking is glorious
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