I wish I could punch you in the face.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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