Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
