Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
