I think I died a long time ago.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So vagazzling was a success
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
