Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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