I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
