Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
