She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
