I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
