Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Drunk is not a location!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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