I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
