I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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