If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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