Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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