is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
