I wish I only lived at night.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
