im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
