My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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