textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
