Plan B is the new Plan A
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
