Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
