What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she peed on how many people?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize