He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
