We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize