Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So much Jack, so little girl.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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