I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Actions speak louder than pants.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
