I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
