i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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