I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
