i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize