we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
