Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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