Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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