is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
