wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
