I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
