I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
