I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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