i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
