My sheets look like a crime scene.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Randomize
