dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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