This is not my ceiling
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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