I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
